


The Fall and Rise of a Rom-Com Guy

by snuffleslove



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Canon Universe, Fluff, Hurt Jim, Hurt Spock, Hurt/Comfort, It's Kirk/Spock endgame of course, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 20:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13911570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snuffleslove/pseuds/snuffleslove
Summary: In which Jim Kirk's life may or may not be a romantic comedy. He's satisfied with either option.TW: There's mention of rapid weight loss and what could be classified as depression.





	The Fall and Rise of a Rom-Com Guy

**Author's Note:**

> Oh hey Morg, remember when I wrote this ten years ago? Thanks for reading. Love you. 
> 
> Begins during the second movie and essentially follows that timeline through. Some movie scenes have been omitted and some have been rewritten. Whoops. 
> 
> Since this was written before the third movie came out, it's safe to say that it diverges from canon before that. 
> 
> Thanks for reading. I'll crawl back into my shell now.

“Reassign me,” Jim says, as soon as Spock is out of the room. And for years, Jim has been trying to come up with a way to surprise Admiral Pike. _Check_ , he thinks miserably. 

“What’s going on, son?” Pike asks finally, his voice quiet and kind. Jim flinches. 

“Nothing, sir,” he mumbles, “That’s going to be my punishment anyway, isn’t it? I’m a pain in your ass and I don’t respect the chair, you said it yourself. Just - reassign me and promote Spock to captain of the Enterprise. You know he deserves it.” 

Admiral Pike shakes his head slowly, staring at him in disbelief.

“I expected you to fight me tooth and nail on this, Kirk, not suggest it yourself - “ 

“Well, I won’t sir - “ 

“If something has happened, Jim, if there’s something wrong, we can - “

“There’s nothing wrong Admiral Pike,” Jim interrupts stubbornly, “I’ve made a mess, is all, and - “ 

“Son,” Pike interrupts, placing a strong on hand on Jim’s shoulder. Jim looks into his eyes and there’s an understanding there that Jim has never had and always wanted and - god it hurts to be letting this man down. 

“I’m compromised,” he says finally, tries to keep his voice even but the words come out bitter with self-deprecation anyway, “When it comes to Spock I - I’m compromised, sir.” 

Pike sits down heavily against the desk, runs a hand through his hair. 

“I don’t understand,” he says slowly, eyebrows creased, “If you’re - compromised - “ he coughs a little, “why in god’s name did you risk his life in the first place?” 

“I didn’t want to!” Jim protests, rubbing at the back of his neck, “It was _his_ idea and I couldn’t tell if I was being irrationally protective if I said no and so I said yes and then I couldn’t let him - “ his voice breaks and for fuck’s sake, _pull it together Jim_ , “I couldn’t leave him behind,” Jim says quietly. 

“Does he know?” Pike asks then, and Jim looks up at him quickly.

“No,” he says, “No, he and Uhura are, well. I’m pretty sure he still sees me as an incompetent idiot.” 

“He doesn’t,” Pike soothes, guiding him to a seat with a hand on his shoulder, “You know he respects you - ” 

Jim doesn’t look at him. 

“Do I need to write up a reassignment request or do you handle that?” 

After a moment, Pike sighs. 

“I’ll handle it, son. You’re alright. I’ll handle it.” 

—

“Captain - “ 

“Commander, Spock. It’s Commander. I’ve been demoted and you’ve been reassigned,” he stares hard at Spock, “Which I don’t understand by the way, seeing as you were _offered_ the _Enterprise_.” 

It’s not a question, but Spock answers it anyway.

“I admit I did not understand the request at first. After spending a considerable time meditating on it, however, I came to the logical conclusion that you were leaving the Enterprise because of me. Thus, I immediately declined the promotion and requested my own transfer,” when Kirk opens his mouth, Spock raises a hand, “It is only logical that you remain aboard the Enterprise given your unusual and illogical attachment to the ship. A different assignment will not affect the quality or satisfaction of my work.” 

Kirk stiffens instinctively at Spock’s words but then he forces himself to get a grip. If Spock’s willing to leave Uhura behind, then of course he’d be willing to leave Jim, too. 

“Thank you,” he says quietly, “I’m sure Admiral Pike is grateful for the chance to be back aboard his ship, too.” 

Spock nods, and then, tilts his head to study Jim. 

“I must apologize for being unable to fulfill your needs as First Officer. If you would tell me where I am lacking, I will endeavor to correct my behavior for my next captain.” 

God, Jim is such a dick. 

“It wasn’t your fault, Spock,” he says quickly, “You were a great first officer to me, and we were a great team - “ the ‘until I fell in love with you’ goes unsaid, of course. He sighs, unable to resist, “The truth is, I’m going to miss you, Spock - “ 

“And yet, you requested a transfer,” Spock says, eyebrow rising with disbelief, “If you are lying to me to spare my feelings I assure you that is not necessary - “ 

“It’s not that - “ 

“In fact I would prefer that you gave me honest critique so that I can better myself,“  Spock says. 

“It’s not that,” Jim insists, rubbing the back of head ruefully, “Humans are illogical,” he says after a moment and Spock looks immensely unsatisfied with that answer but before he can protest they’re approached by a wary looking officer. Jim wonders idly what rumors are flying around. 

“Commander Spock?” he asks, “Frank Abbey, USS Bradbury. Guess you’re with me,” he says, and for a one sharp moment Jim wants to put his fist through a wall because Spock shouldn’t _be_ with anyone but _him_. He watches Spock closely, wonders whether Spock feels angry (or sad, or frustrated, or _anything_ ) about having to work with another captain. Almost instantly he thinks back to the moment he’d finally felt like maybe Spock was happy, working with Jim - that time they’d played chess in the medbay after that disaster on Eminiar VII, Spock propped up on pillows and Jim settled uncomfortably on a chair by his bedside. 

 

“Captain, Starfleet will be waiting for our report,” Spock had protested quietly, his voice raw and imprecise with his injury. Jim had set up the board anyway. 

“You took a bullet for me,” he said, “You literally - god - “ And Jim can still feel acutely the way his heart had stopped when Spock had jumped in front of him. 

“Technically, phasers do not operate on - “ Spock had started but Jim had shaken his head. 

“Spock, just - thank you,” Jim had said, wanting to reach for him, always wanting to reach for him. 

“You are my captain,” Spock had said quietly, looking at him seriously, “I find our rapport together quite satisfying. And - I believe it would have required too much effort to, as you say, break in a new one.” 

Jim had been startled into laughter, hands clutching the sheets on Spock’s bed. 

“Chess, Spock,” he’d insisted, “I’ll go easy on you.” 

Spock raised an eyebrow at him and Jim knew he’d be laughing if he, well - laughed. 

“Captain, I had assumed that was what you were doing all along.” 

 

“Captain?” Spock prompts now, and Jim clears his throat, wonders whether Spock is glad to be rid of him.

“It’s Commander, Spock, alright? I’ll see you around.”

—

Admiral Pike dies and it’s a loss Jim’s felt before, but this time at least, he can do something about it. 

—

“Permission to reinstate Commander Spock as my first officer.” 

“Granted.” 

—

“Listen, you don’t have to - “ he stops, swallows, remembers the way they operate seamlessly as a team, the way Spock can anticipate Jim’s next move as easily as his own, the way he is unafraid to question and counter him. He can’t do this alone, he knows that. He forces himself to say the words out loud,“I know we’re a mess right now and I know you probably think I’m being completely illogical, so I won’t blame you if you refuse your reinstatement. I just - I don’t think I can do this without you, Spock.” 

Spock opens his mouth, and then closes it again and Jim holds his breath. 

“I believe that you considered Admiral Pike to be a surrogate father to you?” he asks finally, waiting until Jim nods hesitantly, glancing away. 

“Yeah - sure, I guess,” he mutters, feeling the tips of his ears go red. 

“I believe that I too considered him a - formidable influence in my life, although I did not understand it until his passing. After I declined admission to the Vulcan Science Academy, my father and I became somewhat estranged. Admiral Pike understood better the nuances of my life as a Vulcan on Earth, and was the consistent source of sound advice. It was his words that finally convinced me to join your crew,” he says quietly. His eyes are soft and pensive and for a moment and Jim wonders whether he’s thinking about the day he died, the way Pike’s face had looked when the light left his eyes. 

“Thank you for requesting my reinstatement, Captain,” Spock continues finally, his eyes going firm again, “I find I would feel restless and unsatisfied if I had to stay behind.”

Jim breathes out a sigh of relief. 

“You’re welcome,” he says, embarrassed by the fondness in his smile, but utterly helpless to it.  

“As I am again your first officer, it is now my duty to strongly object to our mission parameters.” 

Jim’s sigh is much more exasperated this time. 

“Of course it is.” 

—

Not for the first time, Jim finds himself cursing how hard it is to hate Uhura. He figures that if he has to be stuck on a ship with the love of his life, he should at least be granted the ability to hate who Spock’s with. But Uhura is kind and perceptive and so damn intelligent and somehow she’s woven her way into Jim’s life the same way Bones has, knows about things like Tarsus IV and his stepdad. 

So when he’s alone in an elevator with her, he takes advantage of her comfort, takes a minute to fold a little under the weight of all that’s happened and all that will.

“Actually, Scotty’s just quit,” he admits quietly, fingers digging into his arms at the loss. Pike would say it’s not personal but - that’s how the Enterprise is _different_. They were all born into these roles at the same time, they were all pushed to greatness by the same force and they all learned to - _depend_ on each other - _god_ how is he supposed to do this if no one believes in him?

“And your boyfriend’s second guessing me every chance he gets,” he continues bitterly. Next to him, Uhura lets out a small sigh. Jim knows she would listen to him complain if he wanted her to but he hates putting her in that position, knows it’s unfair. He sighs, barely refrains from rubbing his eyes in frustration, “Sorry, that was inappropriate,” he says, and then - “And I’m sorry that he was almost transferred because of me - “ 

“Captain - “ 

“Pike offered him Captain of the Enterprise,” he tries, turning to her a little pleadingly.

“Kirk - “ 

“I know he did because I was the one who suggested it, I swear I did. You know I think he’d make a great captain - “ 

“ _Jim_ ,” she says firmly. He looks up at her and she gives him a kind smile, reaches past him to still the lift, “Don’t apologize,” she says firmly, “You went back for him. He owes his life to you.” 

Jim wipes his face with one hand. 

“Yeah,” he mutters, “And god, I hate knowing that he doesn’t care. That if it weren’t for Pike he’d rather be anywhere but under my command because I’m a horrible _illogical_ captain and I - “ 

“Jimmy,” she interrupts, turning to him and clutching her hands in the fabric at his hips. From this close she feels about a foot shorter than him, her brown eyes dim with sadness, “You’re a fine captain, Jim. And you’re _ours_. And we wouldn’t have it any other way, okay? We all know that. Spock knows it too. Alright, Captain?” she says, her voice teasing around the word like it always does. She reaches up and smoothes out his hair, running a palm down his cheek and cupping it gently, “What do you need? Tell me,” she coaxes.

He wraps hands around her wrists. He spends half his time with Uhura wishing he could hate her, and half the time knowing with certainty why he doesn’t. He shakes his head a little at himself. 

“Stop letting me pretend to be Captain and take it for yourself already, would you,” he demands of her. Her ponytail swishes as she laughs. She reaches around him to start the turbolift.

“You’re doing fine,” she says, staying close. When the doors open Spock’s waiting for them and Uhura disentangles herself from Jim with a bright smile for the Vulcan, “Go easy on him, would you,” she says, “our Captain’s feeling a little insecure.” 

Spock smirks a little at the joke, raising his eyebrows at Jim, and Jim’s going to kill her, he swears he is. 

—

“Here for your physical?” Bones says when Jim walks into medbay, and _why_ is everyone smirking at him today. Jim offers him his best Captain’s smile. 

“I’m being responsible about my health Bones,” he says cheerfully.

“Uh huh,” Bones says, raising one disbelieving eyebrow at him. He got that one from Spock. 

“Oh, shut up,” he grumbles, sinking onto a biobed and hunching his shoulders. Bones procures a tricorder from nowhere and proceeds to hover around him, taking readings and making notes. 

“So,” Bones says, voice already smug even as he does his job, “I hear our mission parameters have changed.” 

Jim groans, buries his face in his hands. 

“God, I hate you,” he says, voice muffled, and then he looks up at Bones despondently, “How fucked am I, do you think?” 

And because Bones is not a nice man and not a good friend, he laughs at Jim. 

“Kid, you get more and more obvious every day. My official diagnosis? Very fucked.” 

“Hey,” he says indignantly, “I wasn’t just listening to Spock, okay? I was following Scotty’s advice too. Before he quit, Scotty practically begged me not fire those torpedoes so - “ 

“Jimmy, you’re still blushing from when Spock probably told you he was proud of you for making the right decision -“ 

Jim blanches. 

“No I’m not, fuck - Am I?” he scrambles around to find a reflective surface and Bones laughs harder. 

“Good god, no, I was fishing, but christ, Jim. _Were_ you? _Did_ he say he was proud of you?” 

“Not in so many words, no,” Jim mutters, glaring at his friend. 

“Let me guess,” Bones snorts, and then makes his face as blank as possible, “Captain, I am continuously shocked to find that you are not as big an idiot as you seem. Keep up the good work.” He can barely contain his laughter. 

“You are awful at impressions,” Jim mutters, and then he sighs, rests his head against Bones’s shoulder, “Did I make a big mistake?” he mumbles, “Asking him to be my first officer again?” He feels Bones sigh, and then his arm comes back to embrace Jim, and Jim shifts closer into him, takes comfort in the way his muscles move as they settle around Jim.

“He may be a green blooded hobgoblin but he’s one of the most brilliant officers on the fleet,” Bones says finally. Jim looks up at him, and Bones narrows his eyes, “Don’t you dare tell him I said that,” Jim snorts, and Bones cracks a small smile at him, “What I mean is, I’m glad he’s here. I trust him to keep you in one piece, Jim. Well,” he says gruffly, “More than I trust anyone else.” 

—

“Ignore me and you will get everyone on this ship killed.” 

Jim freezes, feels his blood run hot. This man has killed innocent people in a _cowardly_ ambush, put him and his crew in danger, taken Pike away from him. Jim needs to get his hands around the bastard’s neck. 

“Captain,” Spock says quietly, a steady presence at his side that Jim does not _want_ right now, “I believe he will only attempt to manipulate you. I would not recommend engaging the prisoner further.”

“Give me a minute,” he bites out through a clenched jaw. 

Spock hesitates. 

“Captain - “ 

“Look, I know you don’t trust me with this ship, Spock,” Jim snaps, “But I’m only asking for a minute - “ 

Spock tilts his head, and Jim catches faint lines of confusion he’s trained himself to notice. 

“On the contrary, Captain,” Spock says, “I trust you wholly and completely. I will stand by should you need any assistance.” 

He steps back, and Jim wills himself to move away from him rather than demand to know what Spock means by that, whether it’s actually the truth. 

—

He swings by medbay on his way out. 

“I need senior officers on the bridge, Bones,” he calls, and Bones looks up at him. 

“You could have commed me,” he says, putting away his tricorder and falling into step beside him. Jim shrugs. 

“You were on the way,” he says smoothly. 

“Right,” Bones says. “Spill, Jim. It’s only a short walk to the bridge.” 

Jim sighs, wipes a hand over his face. 

“Spock told me he trusts me,” he says, because the rest of it can wait until he’s in front of all his senior officers. Bones rolls his eyes. 

“Shocker,” he mutters. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jim asks. 

Bones stops. 

“What does that _mean_?” Bones asks incredulously, “For the love of - Jim, you haven’t got a clue, have you?” 

“Clue about what?” Jim asks defensively, because that’s a little harsh, even for Bones. Bones shakes his head. 

“Let me enlighten you. You understand that after Nero, every senior officer on your crew basically became royalty, don’t you? I know for sure Sulu and Spock were offered their own Captaincies, and I’ll tell you, Scotty and I could have had our pick of assignments.” 

Jim pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Yeah, Bones, I get it - “ 

“No, you don’t. You don’t get it. I don’t know why you think we chose to stay on the Enterprise but it’s not because she’s shiny and new or because you somehow charmed us into it. We stay because we _trust you_.” 

Jim can’t look at him. 

“Pike demoted me for a reason Bones. I’m not fit to be a captain. I’ve been reckless and arrogant and the only reason I got the ship back was because there’s no one else stupid enough to take on a mission like this and - “

“ _Captain_  - “ Jim’s head snaps up to look at him, eyes going wide because Bones _never_ calls him that.  “I don’t know what Pike said to you or why he said it. But remember what I said. Space is danger and disease wrapped in darkness and silence. We stay with you because we trust your judgement. We trust you to keep us safe. Alright? I promise you that.” 

Jim stares at him and Bones stares back, unrelenting and stubborn. 

“Yeah,” he mumbles finally. 

“Yeah?” Bones pushes. 

“Yeah, yeah alright,” Jim says. “C’mon, we’ve got to get to the bridge. You’re not gonna like what I have to report.” 

—

There is nothing he wouldn’t do for his crew, his family. He knows that with a sharp, gut-clenching clarity. 

—

“Captain, I strongly object,” Spock says. Jim’s got blood pounding in his ears. 

“To what,” he mutters, avoiding Spock’s eyes, “I haven’t said anything yet.” 

“Since we cannot take the ship from the outside, the only way we can take it is from within,” Spock starts, and Jim almost wants to laugh at how familiar this feels. He remembers the first time this had happened, the first time Spock had figured out what Jim was thinking before he’d really processed it himself. They had been stranded on an island on Janus VI, cornered and starving and unable to contact the Enterprise from where they’d been taking cover. Jim had been determined to step into the line of fire without telling Spock, long enough to send their coordinates to Scotty - and he’d done that, but instead of taking the hit, Spock had moved seamlessly in sync with him, covering him and taking a sharp blow to the chest before Chekov could beam them out. 

It was the second time he’d taken a hit for Jim and the third time he’d had to go into a healing trance. Jim won’t let that happen again. 

“I’m not aligning with him, I’m using him,” he says firmly, picking up his pace, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” 

“An Arabic proverb attributed to a prince who is betrayed and decapitated by his own subjects - “ 

“Eh, still,” Jim says, throwing a blank smile over his shoulder at Spock, “It’s a hell of a quote.” 

“I will go with you Captain,” Spock says and Jim spins around wildly. 

“ _No_ ,” he snaps. Spock glares back, stubborn and angry too and Jim takes a deep breath, tries to reign in his fear, “No,” he says, calm and firm, “You cannot come with me. Your life is invaluable and irreplaceable to this ship and you are her _only_ chance of survival. Are we clear? I will not allow you to throw your life away.”

“As you are throwing yours away?” Spock asks him quietly, and from this close he can feel Spock’s anger as a tangible thing between them. He smiles in the face of it, charming and hollow. 

“Right,” he says, turning away fast, “I’m done with this conversation.”

“Captain I cannot allow you to - “ Spock reaches for Jim to stop him and the moment their skin makes contact Spock freezes, letting Jim go with a jolt. Jim can tell instantly when he’s made sense of the transference - anxiety about his impending suicide mission, worry for the safety of his crew, and underneath it all, a love for Spock that Jim cannot force away, a need to protect him at all costs - or die trying. 

Spock takes a step back and Jim braces himself but Spock only stares at him, eyes wide.

Jim sighs.

“Listen - “ he says hoarsely, “Spock, I - I’m sorry. I never meant to - to feel this way about you. It just happened and then I couldn’t _stop_ and - “ Jim bites his lip, “Spock - “ Spock looks stricken, with confusion maybe, or disgust. After a moment, he takes a wary step towards Jim again. 

“Captain I - I do not think I can share your feelings. Nyota and I are - “ 

Distantly Jim thinks that if he gets back from this, he’s got to tell Bones he made Spock stammer.

“Don’t,” he says as dismissively as he can manage, “Don’t, Spock. I know you could never feel that way about me. I’m a pain in your ass. I’ve always been - well,” Jim laughs a little hysterically, “At least now you know why I went back for you,” he says with a pained smile, “Why I can’t allow you to come with me now,” he wishes he could touch him, wishes he could feel the weight of his hand on his shoulder one last time before - “I need to know that you’re safe, Spock,” he whispers. “Please understand.” 

And with that, he turns on his heel, heads to medbay. 

—

The insides of Jim are on fire. Radiation is a horrible way to die, he decides, crawling forward. Every movement feels like one hundred needles into his skin, and he can feel boils forming on his lips and hands as his body revolts against the injustice he’s put it through.

Scotty’s there, nose pressed against the glass, eyes brimming with tears. 

“Close the compartment door, Jim,” he demands, voice watery. 

Jim should do that, he thinks, slumping back and closing his eyes as the world tilts dangerously. He will. 

In a minute. 

“Jim please,” Scotty begs, “Or I’ll call Mr. Spock,” he threatens and Jim grunts. 

Don’t do that, he thinks fuzzily, Scotty, don’t do that. 

- 

“Captain,” Spock whispers, and Jim cracks one eye open. Spock is staring at him with wide fearful eyes and the expression unnerves Jim enough that he relents, reaches up to lock the compartment door and start the decontamination process.  

“How’s our ship?” he mumbles out, gritting his teeth against the inevitable wave of nausea. Because this is Spock, and Jim’s in love with him. 

“Out of danger, thanks to you,” Spock says, voice breaking. Jim shifts closer to him through the glass, “You saved the crew.” 

Jim wants to kiss him. 

“You used what he wanted against him. That’s a nice move,” the words are heavy on his tongue but he fights to get them out, helpless to the desire to give Spock what he needs.

“It is what you would have done,” Spock says and his eyes are watery and Jim blinks back his own tears. 

“And this, this is what you would have done. It was only logical,” he murmurs and he believes it, because for a split second Spock looks like he should be there in Jim’s place, “I’m scared, Spock,” he whispers, desperate, “Help me not to be,” Spock’s fingers tighten against the glass and Jim swallows hard, “How do you choose not to feel?” 

“I do not know,” Spock admits and he’s crying, and god, Jim loves him so much, “Right now I am failing.” 

_I’m sorry_ , he wants to say, _I don’t want to leave you_ and _I love you_. 

“I’m glad you’re here,” is all he says though, “I didn’t - think I’d ever see you again.” 

“I am here, Captain,” Spock says quietly.

“You’re the captain now,” Jim says, wanting to smile and not quite managing it, “It should have been you all along.” 

But Spock is shaking his head. 

“You are, and always shall be, my captain, Jim,” Spock says and Jim’s pain has stripped away his last bit of restraint. He curls into Spock behind the glass, reaching for him helplessly. He watches as Spock’s hand mirrors his in the ta’al, and looking up into Spock’s eyes he thinks, yeah, he could die like this.

And then he lets go. 

And there is darkness and silence. 

 

—

 

_You are not responsible for what happened on Tarsus IV, Jim. You are a man this crew would follow to the ends of the universe._

_We will follow you._

Everything feels heavy, is Jim’s first thought. His eyelids, the backs of his hands, his _tongue_. He blinks blearily, the movement slow and out of his control. This can’t be what death is like, he thinks next. 

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic,” comes Bone’s voice, and Jim’s vision clears with it, settling on the soft expression on Bone’s face, “You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for an entire month.” 

“Transfusion?” Jim manages. 

“Your cells were heavily irradiated,” and yup, there it is, trademark Bones worry, only visible if you know to look, “I had no choice.” 

Jim frowns. 

“Khan,” he says. 

“Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his super blood,” he leans in, “Tell me, are you feeling, homicidal? Power-mad? Desponic? 

Jim wants to roll his eyes but it feels like too much work. 

“No more than usual,” then - “How’d you catch him?” 

“I didn’t,” Bones says, and for a moment, his worry is starkly visible, but it smooths away and he steps aside. Spock is standing there, and Jim draws a breath to look at him. 

He frowns a little as Spock comes closer, stepping under the glare of the hospital room lights. There are bruises under his eyes that throw the gaunt cut of his cheekbones into sharp relief. His uniform hangs off his shoulders a little, the sleeves coming down to cover his palms and making him seem vulnerable somehow, even as he stands and accepts Jim’s gratitude for saving his life. 

“I shall inform the crew that you have awoken,” Spock says quietly, looking to Bones for his nod of approval, “They will be gratified to know that you are well.” 

“Thanks,” Jim mumbles, “And I’m sure there’s a ton of shit from the Admiralty that needs to be dealt with so - just let me know what needs to be done and I’ll - “ 

“You need not concern yourself with those matters, Captain,” Spock interrupts, “I will take care of them.” 

“Spock - “ Jim protests weakly, “That’s not your responsibility, Spock, you don’t have to - “ 

“With all due respect, Captain, it is indeed my responsibility to see you regain full health. Doctor McCoy and I are in agreement that it is in your best interest to focus all your attention on making a full recovery.” 

“Doctor McCoy and you are in agreement, huh?” Jim says with a raised eyebrow, and to his absolute astonishment, they look at each other and _smile_ , just a little thing at the corners of their mouths, but _still_. 

“We are,” Bones says, turning to Jim and fucking grinning at him, the smug bastard, “See you later Spock,” he says, and Spock nods at him. When he turns back to Jim, the smile is still in place but it just draws attention to the exhaustion that settles around Spock’s eyes, the way his hands tremble slightly as they adjust his uniform. 

“There is a meeting I must attend and then I will return,” he promises, and Jim wants to demand that he cancel it, get into a bed and not leave it for a week, but Spock continues - “I am glad you are with us again. Illogically enough, I have missed your infuriating yet somehow fascinating company,” - And Jim is left too stunned to say anything at all. 

He stares at Spock’s retreating form and then rounds on Bones.

“What’s happened to him?” Jim demands, “Is he sick?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bones says, but the laughter is gone from his face and he keeps his eyes fixed on the tricorder readings and Jim’s stomach clenches tightly. 

“Bones, don’t you dare lie to me,” Jim says, voice low, and Bones sighs, comes to sit on the edge of Jim’s bed. 

“Jim - “ 

“Don’t _Jim_ me,” Jim snaps, “He just _complimented_ me and he looks - his _hair_ is a mess and it looks like he hasn’t slept in a year and he’s lost twenty pounds or something since I last saw him - “ 

“Eighteen pounds,” Bones mumbles and Jim rolls his eyes. 

“ _Bones_.” 

“He’s not sick, Jimmy,” Bones insists. He fidgets a little with Jim’s gown, and then sighs again, looks up at him finally, “He’s - well. He looks like what you’d look like if you’d spent five weeks sleeping in a chair.” 

“He - what?” Jim says, utterly lost now. Bones’ gaze moves past him and Jim turns to see a small arm chair he hadn’t noticed before sitting not too far from Jim’s bedside. Understanding dawns on him. 

“He’s been - “ 

“Hasn’t left your side in a month,” Bones nods, “Except for debriefs of course, but I’ll let him tell you about those - “ 

“You didn’t - send him away?” Jim says, eyes still wide with disbelief.

“Believe me, I tried,” Bones grumbles, “Our Vulcan is a stubborn one.” 

“Right,” Jim says faintly. He’s not sure which is more of a shock: that Spock has stayed by Jim’s unconscious side for five weeks - or that Bones just referred to Spock as _our_ Vulcan. He clears his throat. “Any other Earth-shattering revelations you’d like to share with me?” 

Bones chuckles a little, ticking his fingers off as he goes, “Well - the Fleet’s in total disarray, but I guess that’s not much of a shocker - Spock nearly _beat Khan to death_ after what he did to you - Scotty’s refused to start repairs on the Enterprise until you’ve woken up - which has caused a fucking riot with the admiralty let me tell you - and me and Carol Marcus might have a date, maybe,” he finishes, and for all the teasing in his voice, his eyes are wary as he watches Jim for his reaction.  

“Am I still dead?” he jokes weakly. Bones laughs, but it’s hollow. “So,” Jim starts hoarsely, “You and Carol, huh?”

Bones rubs his temple. 

“Yeah,” he says gruffly. 

Jim smiles a little despite himself, “Looks like I woke up just in time.” 

Bones gives him a strange look. 

“No, you didn’t. I asked her to wait until after you woke up. Did you - did you think I could _date_ with you lying dead in my hospital bed?” 

“Uh,” Jim says sheepishly, “No?” 

“God, Jim,” Bones pinches the bridge of his nose, “You’re unbelievable.” 

Jim breathes out, “That’s what they say,” and then - “I”m happy for you,” he says quietly, because Bones is still looking at him like he’s got a case of Andorian shingles, “God we must take the record for most inappropriate relationships on the bridge.”

Bones shifts a little guiltily on the bed. 

“Yeah, that’s the other thing,” Bones says gently, “Jim, Uhura and Spock broke up.” 

“Huh,” Jim says, frowning slightly, “Guess I should also mention that Spock knows how I feel about him.” 

“What?” Bones exclaims, “You told him?” 

“Not exactly,” Jim mumbles, “He touched me and my shields were down and - Wait did you say Spock tried to _kill_ Khan?” 

“Yeah,” Bones says, his eyes going hard, ”Uhura says she’s never seen Spock in such a rage. She had to beam down to the surface to stop him from beating Khan to a pulp.” 

“Wow,” he says a little wonderingly, “I’m sorry I missed that.” 

“Yeah,” Bones says wistfully, “Me too,” he clears his throat, “So. You gonna ask him to be your girlfriend now?” he asks.

Jim snorts. 

“Very funny, Bones,” he says, rolling his eyes. 

“I’m serious,” he insists, “He almost killed the guy who killed you, he’s been sitting vigil at your bedside since you’ve been out, and he broke up with his longterm girl friend. Seems a little obvious to me.” 

Jim takes one look at the very earnest expression on his face and begins to laugh.

“Bones - “ he says, shaking his head, “Bones, your daughter has got you watching too many romantic comedies - “ 

Bones scowls at him and Jim laughs harder. For the first time since he woke up he feels so happy to be alive, to laugh at Bones like this, like they’ve been laughing together for years. He wasn’t ready for this to be over, he realizes abruptly, his laughter getting caught in his throat as he looks at his ridiculously protective, unfailingly loyal best friend. 

“I’m just saying,” Bones says defensively, “It seems logical to me.” 

“Oh, Bones,” Jim says, eyes bright and fond, “I promise you Spock is not interested. He’s my first officer, and he takes his duties very seriously, but that’s all there is to it. We _all_ just went through some fucked up shit. People get together and fall apart because of stuff like this all the time. It’s not like Uhura and Spock are going to stay that way. I’m sure they’ll be back together before you know it.”

“Jim - “ Bones regards him for a moment, and then wraps a hand around his wrist, “And you’re just - you’re okay with that?” 

“Yeah,” Jim says, voice light and happy despite it all, “Yeah. I’ve got you, haven’t I?” 

Bones smiles reluctantly at him, fingers pressing tightly into Jim’s skin, “Yeah, kid. You’ve always got me.” 

—

“Hey,” Jim says, smiling sleepily up at the Spock hovering in his doorway. He’s changed out of his uniform and into black sweats and a black tee and after a heartbeat, Jim recognizes the clothing, “Are you - are you wearing my clothes?” he asks incredulously.

Spock has the decency to look sheepish. 

“Most of my belongings have been stored away for the duration of my time aboard the Enterprise, and I have not had the opportunity to retrieve them. Doctor McCoy offered to bring in some essentials for me,” Spock explains, not quite looking at Jim, “He assured me you would not mind, but I did feel uncomfortable using them without your permission - “ he trails off and Jim groans silently.  

He’s going to kill Bones. 

“No, no, it’s. It’s fine,” he says, swallowing hard, trying to suppress the part of him that wants to shove his entire closet at Spock and demand that he wear Jim’s clothes at all times. He doesn’t think he’s seen Spock in such casual clothes - except for that one time Spock had been between shifts and they’d gotten a red alert out of nowhere. Jim had demanded his presence on the bridge immediately and he’d shown up in his pajama pants and nothing else, ears tinged green as he’d reported for duty. It was all anyone could talk about for a month, and Jim normally has a strict no-gossip policy, but he couldn’t really blame them. Spock has a body worth talking about. 

Jim determinedly does not think of that now. He clears his throat. 

“It’s really late. Did the meeting run long?” 

“Yes,” Spock says simply. He remains in the doorway. 

“Bones is doing rounds,” Jim says, feeling desperate to fill the silence. He wonders if Spock finds it as awkward as he does, if he’s going to bring up what he figured out when he touched Jim -

“I am aware,” is all Spock says. 

“How’d you know?” Jim asks him, curious despite his nerves. 

“Doctor McCoy has been conducting rounds at the same time every night for the past month,” Spock tells him, “I believe he finds the routine comforting.” 

“Huh,” Jim huffs a laugh, “You two have gotten awfully chummy,” he remarks. Spock raises an amused eyebrow at him. 

“It is often said that even the most unlikely of people can be united by dangerous circumstances.” 

“Dangerous circumstances?” Jim asks quietly. 

“We were both in danger of losing you, were we not?” Spock replies, just as quietly. 

_Now you know what it feels like,_ Jim wants to retort. He offers Spock a small smile instead. 

“So you really spent every night here then,” Jim teases, hoping to embarrass the Vulcan at least a little. Spock just nods though, seemingly unfazed. 

“Yes Captain,” he affirms. Jim rolls his eyes. 

“And yet you still can’t manage to call me Jim,” he sighs, “Now that you know I’m fine, you’ll go home though right? Eat a decent meal and sleep in a real bed?” 

Spock tilts his head, considering. 

“It was my intention to remain here with you tonight,” he pauses, “But if you are tired of my company I can - “ 

“ _No_ ,” Jim says quickly, “I mean, I’m not. I could never be tired of you, Spock. I just - you look like shit,” he blurts out. 

“Oh?” Spock asks, and Jim thinks maybe he’s actually hurt his feelings when he continues, “Perhaps it is the clothes I am wearing that make me look like - excrement,” he deadpans, and Jim is startled into laughter. 

“Spock - “ he rolls his eyes, stupidly fond, “I only meant that you’ve done enough for me already. You should take care of yourself.”

But Spock is already shaking his head. 

“I would not be parted from you,” Spock says quietly, “I know it is illogical but I feel anxious if I am not with you. I would stay, if you will have me.” 

Jim stares at him, and Spock waits patiently for him to make up his mind. He wonders distantly how selfish he’s allowed to be after dying. 

“Okay,” he agrees finally, “Stay, then. I feel better when you’re here anyway,” he gestures to Spock’s arm chair, and Spock enters the room at last, settling into the chair and curling up in it, “Will you tell me about what I’ve missed?” Jim asks him when he’s comfortable, unable to look away from where Spock’s bare feet press into the cushions. 

“It would be my pleasure, Captain,” Spock says. His voice is soft and soothing and Jim soon falls asleep to the smooth steadying cadence of it. 

—

_No, please, Spock, don’t -_

_You’re letting me die, Spock says accusingly, hollow eyes staring up at him from behind glass, You couldn’t save me._

_No, Jim pleads, No, don’t leave me. I can’t - I can’t lose you. Please, it should be me. It should be me -_

_Captain._

Captain Kirk. 

“ _Captain_ ,” Spock is shaking him awake and Jim sits up with a jolt, hands shaking, sweat pooling under his shirt. 

“Spock?” he asks hoarsely, “Spock, what - “ 

“It was just a dream, Captain,” Spock says quietly, ‘You were dreaming and then you screamed.” 

“Lights, fifteen percent,” Jim rasps out, breath still coming in short gasps. In the aftermath he feels foolish. He’s a starship captain, for god’s sake. He glances briefly at Spock. 

Spock looks ashen, even in the dim light. 

“So you saw then,” Jim mumbles, and it’s not an accusation but Spock seems to flinch anyway. 

“I apologize, Captain, but you were not responding to verbal stimuli and I thought it prudent to wake you before you endangered yourself,” he moves to remove his hand from Jim’s arm but Jim snags his wrist before he can, “The images cut through before I could stop them.” 

“Sorry,” he mumbles, but he doesn’t let go, allows himself the luxury of feeling Spock’s quick pulse between his fingertips, “I’m sorry you had to see that.” 

Spock is quiet for a moment. 

“It was a curious sensation indeed,” he says finally, “To witness my own death through the eyes of another,” he pauses, “You wish me to stay with you,” he says. It’s not a question, but he quirks an eyebrow at Jim anyway. 

Jim flushes and withdraws his hand from Spock’s wrist, clenches his own palms together.  

“Yeah,” he mutters, “But it’s okay, I’ll manage.“ 

“At this time I am not sure how well my shields would stand up to your thoughts in sleep,” Spock begins slowly, “But if you are amenable, I will stay and project calm through our physical contact so that you may be untroubled in your rest.” 

Jim looks up at him, a tiny smile quirking the corner of his lip up despite it all. 

“You know you just offered me a nice long cuddle, don’t you?” 

“I am aware,” Spock retorts dryly, “However, I am confident that you are too exhausted to - what is the Terran expression? _Make a move_?” 

Jim chuckles tiredly. 

“I wouldn’t make a move on you until at least our third date,” he flirts half-heartedly, second nature in his exhaustion. He scoots over a little to make room, “Well, if you’re sure,” he says, “It’ll be better than you sleeping in that damn chair at least.” 

Spock settles smoothly into the bed beside Jim, turning over on his side to face him. Jim draws a quiet breath at the sudden proximity. 

“So,” he says, eyes to the ceiling, “Do we have to, like, hold hands or - “ 

“No,” Spock says. In one graceful movement, Spock tangles their bare feet together, and suddenly Jim feels a rush of warmth move through him, unknotting muscles and stealing away tension. 

“Relax, Captain,” Spock murmurs. He reaches out and wraps a strong hand around Jim’s arm, swipes a thumb across the newly regenerated skin there, painting peace where he goes. Jim melts into the sensation, turns further into the caress, “I am here.” 

—

His dreams are lined with cornfields and dusty stretches of road and he clings to them on the edge of wakefulness, letting the vivid memory of the Iowa sun against his face warm him to his fingertips, curve his lips into a smile. He was never happy here, before - restless and hot-blooded and eager to prove his worth. But, maybe now he can be. If he has to give up his captaincy maybe he can come back and it won’t be so bad.

 _Give up your captaincy, sir -?_ comes a voice through the dream like a break in the clouds and Jim starts - both mentally and physically - nearly falling off the bed in his clumsiness. 

His eyes fly open in time to see strong hand circle around him, cradle him against a pointy shoulder to keep him up. 

“ _Christ_ ,” he mutters, “Spock - “ 

Spock releases him. 

“I apologize Captain,“ Spock begins, shifting to sit up against the headboard. Jim glances at him. He looks vaguely taken aback, like the intrusion surprised him as much as Jim. Jim turns to lay on his back and runs hands through his hair. 

“For what? Paying a visit to my dreams or turning this bed into a fucking sauna? I’m sweating bullets here,” Jim grumbles, voice sleepy rough. 

For a long moment Spock remains quiet. 

_This can’t be good_ , Jim thinks resignedly, closing his eyes. 

“Give up your captaincy?” Spock asks again, and there is a note to his voice that isn’t simple curiosity. It’s concern. 

Jim rolls onto his stomach and props himself up to dig his heels into his eyeballs. 

“How come you’ve been having a lot of slips with your telepathy recently?” he asks instead, “I thought you said you’d never read my mind without my permission.” 

He hadn’t just said it either, he’d sworn it. They’d run into the issue early on in their partnership, a mission dredging up painful memories for Jim that he had never wanted anyone to see, let alone Spock. Spock had sought the layout of a weapons outpost on Remus from Jim but Jim had flinched away from the meld instinctively, afraid of the emotional transference Spock would easily feel. Spock had quieted instantly, splaying his hands out in front of himself soothingly. 

“I would never take what is yours without your explicit permission,” he’d said with an intense expression, “That is the way of Vulcans, gleaned from the teachings of Surak. To invade another’s mind is considered a most serious crime.” 

Spock had been so solemn that Jim had caved to him almost instantly, and Spock’s entrance to his mind had been simple and light, tendrils of his consciousness reaching into Jim and stealing only what Jim offered him. 

Since then they’ve shared many melds, strictly for professional purposes of course, but Jim isn’t too proud to admit he craves Spock’s presence sometimes, offers his First Officer his mind more than is exactly necessary. 

Now, the Vulcan flushes faintly. 

“I do not know, Captain,” he admits, “I do not know why my shields and yours are not working.” 

Jim frowns. He has it on two solid accounts that Spock’s psi capabilities are impressive even by Vulcan standards. And Jim’s shields are pretty formidable too: he is a ‘Fleet brat after all. 

“Khan’s blood?” he asks, looking up at Spock. 

Spock shakes his head. 

“I do not believe so, sir,” he says slowly, “I noticed this before you underwent the transfusion.” 

Ah. The transference-that-shall-not-be-spoken-of. 

“I will meditate on it,” Spock promises, “And if that does not work I will consult my father.” 

He shifts to get up, and then stops. 

“If you may permit me, however, I would pass something on to you before I go,” he says quietly. Jim looks at him warily. It’s not that he doesn’t want Spock, obviously, but - having Spock in his dreams has left Jim feeling strangely vulnerable, off center. 

Spock blinks at him, large brown eyes completely opaque.

“Fine,” he agrees, a little annoyed with himself that he can’t bring himself to say no. 

Spock raises an eyebrow at him and Jim sighs, shifts until he’s sitting cross-legged in front of Spock and closes his eyes expectantly. 

After a moment, he feels Spock’s fingers against the meld points and he forces himself to relax, take what Spock gives him. 

It’s a rush of heat that has Jim gasping, a mixture of pride and trust and comfort tangling together and wrapping Jim up securely: excitement, adrenaline, and a dizzying amount of faith. Jim inhales it, lets it sink into him without really understanding it, because it’s heady and intoxicating even as it’s stable and protective.

Spock retreats a little and Jim leans towards him to chase the closeness, dangerously addicted already. Spock moves his fingers off his meld points and Jim makes a small noise at the loss, feeling unpleasantly bereft alone in his own head again. 

“What was that?” he asks, note of accusation coloring his voice. Spock tilts his head. 

“It is how I feel as your first officer,” he says simply, “Why I choose to serve under you.” 

Jim stares at him. 

“Bullshit,” he says and Spock smiles a little. 

“I assure you it is not.” 

“But - “ 

Spock quirks an eyebrow at him, opens his mouth to say something dripping with sarcasm probably when Bones enters the room. He glances at the both of them and then shakes his head a little, setting about checking Jim’s vitals and scans for today. 

“I hope I haven’t interrupted something,” he says, and Spock slides off the bed easily, shifting his shirt where it’s slipped off his shoulder. 

“Not at all, Doctor,” he says politely, “I will take your leave, Captain. Good day, Leonard,” with a short nod at them both, he toes on his shoes and heads out the door. 

“ _How_ did you manage to get him to call you Leonard?” Jim asks, mostly to distract Bones from the inevitable line of questioning. 

Bones is not deterred. 

“So, that looked intense,” he says, pressing a tricorder to Jim’s face. 

Jim sighs. 

“How did I manage to wind up with the most stubborn officers in the fleet?” he asks the ceiling.

“Birds of a feather,” Bones informs him pointedly, and then he moves his hand as if to wave away Jim’s bullshit, “Jim, you two were in _bed_ together.” 

Jim flushes. 

“Yeah,” he agrees. 

“Well?” 

“He was,” Jim rubs at his eyes. He still doesn’t feel quite awake, “He was telling me how he felt about serving under me.” 

Bones smirks. 

“Oh, so he told you about the hearing then. Damn, _that_ one is going to go down in the books. Did he tell you how he told Admiral Archer that it’d been so long since he’d sat in the chair that he didn’t know how to recognize true talent?”

Jim wonders when the fuck he’s going to have an actual clue about what is going on anymore. 

“What hearing, Bones?” he asks, trying to keep the impatience out of his voice. Maybe Bones was right. Maybe he _never_ had a clue. 

“Wait, he didn’t tell you about the hearing?” Bones asks him, genuinely confused. 

“No, he - “ Jim waves his hand around, “Vulcan voodoo, you know. _What hearing, Bones?_ ” 

Bones pinches the bridge of his nose. 

“Spock said he would tell you,” he mutters, and then sighs, “There was a hearing to discuss the handling of Khan’s recovery, and the defiance of Admiral Marcus’s orders. We were all asked to testify about our experience under your leadership.“ 

“Oh,” says Jim, biting his lip, “Did it - I mean. Did you - “ 

“We all said the same thing,” interrupts a warm voice and Jim starts.  

“Uhura,” he says happily, and she’s smiling at him, eyes bright with tears. 

“Sorry I couldn’t come sooner,” she says, settling on the side of his bed and pressing a kiss to his forehead, “I’ve been in Riverside. God you look awful.” 

“Hey,” Jim pouts indignantly, “Just died, remember?” 

The smile slides right off her face.

“Yeah,” she says quietly, “Yeah, I remember.” 

And then she visibly shakes herself, offers Jim a watery smile. 

“Anyway, as I was saying. We all gave statements saying you made the right call, and that the situation was handled in the best possible way.” 

“Spock was vicious,” Bones adds a little fondly, “He made sure they saw it our way - “ 

“So you have nothing to worry about,” Uhura finishes, her smile steadier now. She looks down at him gently, brushes a strand of hair off his face. “So, anything I can get you?”

Jim smiles at her despite his racing thoughts. He wonders how much they’re covering up.

“Stay?” he says out loud. Denial will serve him a little longer, “Tell me a story? How’re repairs coming along?”

Uhura’s smile widens.

“Your crew is loyal to a fault, Captain Kirk. Scotty only just consented to starting repairs, and he won’t let Admiralty have a say at all. He’s caused quite a commotion.” 

“Bones told me,” Jim mumbles, blushing despite himself, “Did we - did we wreck her completely?” 

“She’ll pull through,” Uhura soothes. “Her and her beloved Captain, too, looks like.” 

Jim wrinkles his nose. 

“You’re being too nice to me,” he says. 

Uhura laughs her musical laugh, eyes bright. 

“I’m sorry,” she mumbles, “I’m feeling a little emotional - “ 

“About you and Spock?” Jim interrupts, and Uhura stares at him. 

“About nearly losing you,” she finishes slowly. “Jim - “ 

“Oh,” Jim says faintly, “Right - “ 

“What you have to understand about me and Spock is - “ 

“No, it’s none of my business, - “ 

“No, _listen_ , - “ 

“I shouldn’t have - “ 

“ _Jim_ \- “ 

“So he does not listen to you either,” comes a dry voice from the doorway. It’s Spock. He’s back in his uniform and somehow looks like he’s aged years in the last hour. 

“You’re no better,” Uhura returns immediately, but she doesn’t turn around. She’s studying Jim with a tilt of her head that is so reminiscent of Spock that Jim has to fight back a laugh. 

“Pot, kettle, Commander,” Jim throws him a grin. Spock simply raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Nyota, are you ready?” Spock asks her quietly. She sighs, finally turns around to offer Spock a nod. 

“Please,” she whispers, turning back to Jim and squeezing his hand suddenly, “Please take care of yourself until you are one hundred percent better. Don’t do anything reckless or idiotic or - okay?” 

Jim breathes out. 

“Uhura I’m fine - “ 

“Jim, just - “ Bones says gruffly, and Jim glances at the three of them. 

“Thank you,” he says finally, “For saving my life. I never really - just. Thank you. And I’m sorry for scaring you. And I’ll be careful, I promise.“ 

Uhura smiles at him and hugs him tightly, and from over her shoulder Jim looks at Spock. His eyes are bright with pain as they lock onto Jim’s. Jim’s mouth goes dry. 

“I’m ready, Spock,” Nyota says, pulling away and getting off the bed.

“You’re leaving already?” Jim blurts out and then regrets it because Uhura is instantly apologetic. 

“I’m sorry,” she says quickly, “we just have to get this one thing done and then - “ she glances up at Spock who nods instantly, “and then Spock will be back.” 

“And I’ll be here,” Bones steps in, “What am I? Chopped liver?” but he’s grinning a little. 

“Oh, Bones, I forgot to ask,” Nyota starts but Bones is already shaking his head.

“I don’t want to talk about it - “ Bones glares at her. 

“Talk about what?” Jim asks, glancing between them. 

“Doctor McCoy has secured a date with Carol Marcus for tonight,” Spock informs him seriously, but he’s smirking a little.

“Oh, that’s right,” Jim laughs, “Nervous, Bones? Butterflies in your stomach?” 

“Oh shut up,” Bones grunts but he doesn’t deny it, “Get out of here, both of you,” he snaps at Uhura and Spock when Uhura laughs out loud. “Bloody hobgoblin’s been an awful influence on her,” Bones mutters as they leave, and Jim chuckles. 

“Are you kidding,” he grins, laying back as Bones begins tinkering with the screen on his biobed, “She’s been like that from day one.”

— 

“Good evening, Captain,” Spock greets him. Jim looks up from his PADD. 

“Hey Spock,” he says, smiling, and then - “What’s that?” 

“Clothing,” Spock explains, “For you.” He places it on the edge of the bed. “I will wait outside while you dress.” 

“Dress? Where are we going?” 

Spock turns back. 

“Dr. McCoy has instructed me to assist with your rehabilitation. Now that your mind is active once more, your body must follow suit. We are not going far,” Spock warns when Jim’s face lights up. Activity sounds great - Jim’s already bored stiff.

“Doesn’t matter,” Jim says, getting up excitedly and grabbing the sweats and tee, “I’ll be ready in a sec.”  

 

“God, this is embarrassing,” Jim mutters, panting slightly. They’ve only been walking fifteen minutes and Jim is already winded. 

“Illogical,” Spock chastises him, not unkindly, pausing to let Jim catch his breath. He sticks close to Jim, as if preparing to catch him should he stumble. The whole thing makes Jim feel like a mess. “With regular exercise you will be back to your usual capacity in no time.” 

“Regular exercise used to mean getting my ass kicked by you twice a week,” Jim retorts with a self-deprecating smile, trying to ignore the way Spock feels, pressed against his side. 

“I assure you that would not be difficult to arrange,” Spock says dryly and then his voice goes soft with intensity, “You have suffered a trauma, Captain. Have patience and your body will recuperate. I will not fail you in this.” 

Startled, Jim looks at him. 

“It’s not on you, Spock - “ 

“It is the duty of a first officer to ensure the wellbeing of his captain,” Spock says, and Jim detects a hint of stubbornness in his voice. He opens his mouth to argue with him, when Spock stops abruptly in front of a closed door. “We are here.” 

“Here?” Jim asks but a moment later he has his answer because when Spock opens the door, a light flicks on and suddenly about thirty people are shouting -

“Surprise!” and “Congratulations, Captain!” and “Good to see you, Jim!” all at once. 

Jim takes a step back, overwhelmed by the looks of admiration and affection he sees on his crew. Spock’s hand settles in the small of his back, reassuring. 

“What’s all this?” he stammers out. Sulu steps forward. 

“We have a lot to celebrate,” he says, grinning broadly at him, “You’re alive, and the Enterprise is ours and - “ 

“We saved the universe, yet again,” Scotty interrupts loudly, moving to wrap a hand around the back of Jim’s neck. “Welcome back, Captain,” he says quietly, and his eyes are wet and Jim nods at him, bumps their foreheads together. 

“Thank you,” he says fervently, and then he moves away, says louder, “Thanks everyone, for coming out. It means a lot to me.” 

“To Captain Kirk,” Uhura says from behind them, and she’s raising a glass and everyone follows suit. 

“To Captain Kirk.” 

Jim feels the tips of his ears go red. 

 

He makes a round slowly, greeting people with a handshake or a pat on the back, accepting their warm murmurs of happiness and relief with only slight embarrassment. Spock doesn’t leave his side, bearing some of his weight but otherwise remaining silent.

“Congratulations, Jim,” Captain Abbot says, holding out a hand to him, “It’s good to see on your feet.” 

“Thanks, Captain,” Jim smiles and takes it.

“Commander Spock,” Abbot says with a nod to acknowledge Spock, “I’m shocked to see you taking a break from harassing Admirals,” he says with a grin, “Although I can’t say I’m surprised to find you by your captain’s side,” he chuckles, “You’re a lucky man, Captain Kirk. He’s put up a hell of a fight on your behalf.” 

“I’m grateful to him, sir,” Jim glances at Spock wonderingly, “ - and that’s a feeling I’m used to,” he finishes with a broad smile. 

“Flattery,” Spock admonishes quietly, but the tips of his ears have turned green. Jim wonders if all of the displays of emotions are making him uncomfortable. 

“I can manage on my own,” he whispers to him when Captain Abbot has moved on.  

“I am aware,” Spock says, but he doesn’t move away. 

When he’s spent half an hour on his feet, and he’s struggling to string words together, Spock silently pulls him towards where his bridge crew is sitting in the corner of the room. Uhura joins them, linking her arm through Jim’s companionably. 

“Will you make sure the Captain has a seat? I will bring him some dinner,” Spock says. Uhura smiles at Jim but it’s tight around the edges. 

“Of course I will,” she says.

“I can get my own food - “ Jim protests, but Uhura waves her hand. 

“Let him,” she says, “Come on, join us.” 

Jim sighs but lets himself be led over to where his family sits. Chekov jumps out of his chair and offers it to Jim immediately and Jim has to roll his eyes but he takes it, thanks Chekov weakly. 

“Thank you for this,” he says to Uhura in the ensuing silence, “It’s really amazing.” 

“Don’t thank me,” Uhura says, grinning mischievously, “Thank Spock. It was his idea. He organized the whole thing.” 

“He - what?” Jim stares at her. 

“Yup,” Bones says cheerfully, “Thought it would be - an appropriate event to mark the milestone of your recovery.” 

“Right,” says Jim faintly. “You still need to work on your impressions, Bones.” 

“Where is he anyway?” Chekov asks, hovering by Jim’s chair. Uhura sighs suddenly, pinches the bridge of her nose as if she’s preparing herself, and looks to Bones. 

“Went to get Jim some food,” she says, “Here Pavel, share my seat.” 

Chekov doesn’t move. 

“You reminded him to get something for himself right?” he asks anxiously, “You know how forgetful he can get and how stubborn - “ 

“I am fully aware of how stubborn Spock is,” she interrupts sharply, but it’s tired. “There is nothing I can tell him that he doesn’t already know. That he hasn’t heard me say about a thousand times.” 

“You could say them once more,” Chekov accuses, “Who knows, maybe this time he’d listen - “  

“It’s not Uhura’s job,” Bones puts a protective hand on Uhura’s knee before she can say anything, “Pavel, it’s not anyone’s job. Commander Spock is a big boy -“ 

“Len,” Sulu cautions quietly. Bones cuts himself off as Spock approaches. He’s coming back with a plate of food and a drink. Scotty is following him, holding two chairs. Jim shoots a Bones a questioning glare as Spock places his food in front of him and settles into the chair Scotty has provided, but Bones avoids eye contact. 

There is a heavy silence that follows and Jim’s nervous swallow sounds loud in his ears. 

“Are you - are you going to eat anything, Commander?” Chekov speaks up timidly. Spock looks up at him, taken aback by the question. 

“Yes,” he says slowly, like the thought hadn’t even occurred to him, “Once the captain has finished, I will obtain a plate for myself.” 

“You must be hungry,” Sulu insists, looking from Chekov to Spock. 

“Vulcans can survive days without food or water,” Spock reminds him levelly. 

“It’s been more than a few days,” Bones mutters under his breath and Spock turns to him sharply, opens his mouth to retaliate. 

“Right, everybody, let’s have a toast,” says Scotty quickly, lifting an invisible glass, “To the Enterprise, and her reunited crew, stubborn though they are,” he says, voice fond and eyes bright. Everyone snorts out a laugh, and Jim watches Bones cuff Spock roughly on the shoulder. 

“To the Enterprise,” his crew choruses. 

“Why aren’t you eating?” Jim murmurs to Spock, when the table gets wrapped up in conversation. Spock remains fixed on Jim though, watching him carefully. 

Spock blinks. 

“I am,” he insists. 

“Spock - “ Jim says, incredulity in his voice, “You can’t think you’re fooling anyone, you’re barely skin and bones. It looks like you haven’t eaten in weeks.” 

“So, Commander, have they given us the go ahead to include the modifications I requested,” interrupts Scotty loudly, shooting Jim a warning look behind Spock’s head. 

Spock raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Given the nature of your requests, I have come to the logical conclusion that you were out of your mind at the time they were filed, and therefore have not brought them to the attention of Engineering,” Spock says, and though his expression is severe there is a note of amusement in his voice, “However, if you make some modifications to that second request, I am sure we can make an appeal - “ 

“What was the second request?” Jim asks curiously. 

Sulu snorts. 

“It was a hot tub for the Captain and Commander’s shared bathroom,” Spock deadpans. 

Chekov laughs and Uhura tugs him down to share her seat so that she can giggle behind his curls, all hard feelings apparently gone. 

“Wait,” Jim says slowly, “You’re back on the Enterprise?” he asks Spock. 

“Jim, nothing’s been decided for certain - “ Bones says quickly. 

“Yes it has,” Scotty interrupts, “Course it has. Jim’s earned the right to pick his goddamn XO.” 

“Scotty, it’s more complicated than that,” Jim mumbles, “Admiral Pike wanted - “ 

“Things have changed, Jim” Sulu cuts in with a shake of his head, “I know you want to respect his wishes but he’d understand things are different now.” 

“It’s not about that. There are rules - “ 

“Since when have you cared about breaking the rules,” Sulu smirks. 

“And besides, Commander Spock already has permission,” Chekov jumps in. 

This gives Jim pause. 

“Is that so?” he asks quietly, looking at Spock. 

Spock is still watching him carefully, “I spoke to the Admiralty myself, Captain,” he affirms. 

“Right,” says Jim faintly, “Actually, I should - I’m feeling really exhausted actually,” he says suddenly, standing up. Instantly Spock is there to support him and Jim fights the urge to shake him off. He doesn’t want to cause a scene. Not here. “Thank you for this,” he says to Spock, forcing himself to look him in the eye, “It really was great.”

“I will come with you,” Spock says immediately. 

“Right, of course you will,” Jim says hollowly. “Goodnight everyone. Please come visit me when you get a chance. And Scotty, I need to hear all about our girl and your modifications at some point okay?” 

“Sure thing Jim.” 

“Jimmy do you need - “ Bones starts to get up from his chair, but Jim shakes his head. 

“I’m fine, really. Just tired. Too much excitement, you know. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

 

“You can go back to the party, you know,” Jim tries, as they make their way back to his room. 

“My presence is not needed there,” answers Spock.

“It’s not needed here, either,” Jim mutters. 

Spock looks at him. 

“I am aware,” he says simply, “You are brave and resourceful and strong, and I am fully cognizant of the fact that you are more than capable of surviving on your own. However, it gives me peace of mind to know that you are well cared for. As I have stated previously, if my company is undesired, I will, of course, make myself scarce.” 

Jim says nothing. He bites back his frustration, knows it’s his own selfishness that’s made him angry. Knows that Spock probably has an excellent reason for lying to the crew, and that Jim is only mad at himself for spoiling what they have together with his stupid feelings. He should be glad that Spock is still here, that Spock has overlooked the fact that it’s Jim’s fault he can’t serve on the Enterprise, that Spock is willing even to share a bed with him if it will help. 

“You should just, go home,” he says finally, turning away from Spock even as the Vulcan keeps a steadying grip on Jim’s elbow. They’ve reached his room and he promises himself that he’s going to make sure Spock gets a good night’s sleep _away_ from the hospital - and Jim.  

“You are upset with me,” Spock realizes after a moment, studying Jim with a detached curiosity. Without warning Jim’s frustration boils over, fast and sharp. 

“Yeah, I am,” he snaps, whirling around to face him, “Because you’re being fucking _cruel_.” 

Spock frowns. 

“Captain, I do not understand - “ 

“Yes, you do,” Jim bites out, twisting away from him, “Yes you fucking do. You _know_ we can’t serve together on the Enterprise anymore and you’re still - you’re waving it around in the crew's’ faces, acting like nothing’s going to change. Acting like we’re still going to be together - “ the anger has retreated tiredly from Jim’s voice and suddenly, all Jim’s got left is a bone deep weariness, “You’re leading them on,” he says heavily. _You’re leading_ me _on_.

For a moment Spock still looks confused, and in that moment, for the first time in as long as Jim can remember, Jim just wants him _gone_. 

And then Spock steps back, gaze hardening furiously. 

“You are still going to request that I transfer,” he accuses harshly, “After everything we have endured together, after all that has happened - you still do not believe me fit to be your first officer.” 

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” Jim snaps, “You know perfectly well this isn’t about your competency as First Officer.”

Spock takes another step back. God he’s _furious_. 

“Then what is it about?” he asks, quiet and bitter, bitter cold, “Help me to understand this. Because apparently, unless you and I are on a Bridge together, I fail to comprehend a single thing you say to me.“

Jim stays quiet, fuming. 

“Do not dare to hide behind the rules against fraternization,” Spock says in a dangerous voice. “Because as it has already been pointed out once today, it would cause you no distress to break any rule, let alone one that had to be broken to allow your conception - “ 

“It’s not about the rules,” Jim says through gritted teeth, fighting to keep his embarrassment at bay. He’d really thought they’d be able to avoid mentioning the transference forever. At least, Jim thinks to himself, anger is better than disgust. 

“Then, _what is it_?” 

They stare at each other and Jim struggles to hold onto his anger, but it’s a losing battle, because under the glare of the hospital lights, Spock looks sicker than ever, bruises under his eyes, and hollows cutting into his cheekbones. 

“I don’t trust myself to keep you safe,” Jim forces out, “Okay? Spock I - I care too much about you and I get it all mixed up and - I can’t be trusted to make the call to keep you safe anymore. Alright? That’s it. That’s what this is about. I just. I can’t think logically around you anymore.“ 

“Then let me,” Spock says immediately and it seems like Jim’s words have eased some of the tension in Spock’s body. He steps closer to Jim in earnest, “Let me think logically for you when you cannot. As I have always done. As I will do now. Captain, it is illogical that in an attempt to keep me safe you abandon me to another ship. How will you endeavor to keep me safe from a million miles away - “ 

But Jim is already shaking his head. 

“It doesn’t always work Spock, there have been too many close calls -  “ 

“We are here today, are we not?” 

“What about Nabiru?” Jim points out stubbornly, “You almost died - “ 

“And in the end you were able to make the right call to save my life, were you not?” 

“And Khan - “ 

“We successfully avoided reuniting Khan with his crew,” Spock interrupts impatiently, “and we averted a galaxy wide war - “ 

“But I fucked up,” Jim insists bitterly, “I thought aligning with Khan myself would keep you safe but it just put you in more danger. You could have died - “ 

“And you actually did,” Spock shouts suddenly, voice thundering low in the small room. Jim is startled into silence, mouth gaping as he stares at Spock, “You _died_ Captain. For precious long moments I could not feel your breath nor hear your heartbeat. You were cold. You were - For _five weeks_ I had no idea if you would wake up and - “ 

For one frightening moment, Spock’s eyes are distant with loss.

“Spock,” Jim whispers hoarsely. 

When Spock refocuses on him, his gaze has hardened. 

“And the only reason you are alive,” he growls out, “Is because of me. You are safe because of me. You may trust others with your life but I do not. I will not let you go up into space without me. You do not desire me as your XO? Fine. I will apply as a science officer or a communications officer or a nurse. But I _will_ protect you. I _will_ keep you safe.” 

“Spock,” Jim whispers again, because Spock is trembling, small shivers running through his body so that he can’t keep his hands still. Spock looks away, and Jim steps closer to him, cautiously wrapping his hands around Spock’s wrists. The Vulcan’s shields are down and the freezing cold panic that rushes through Jim leaves him gasping, “Spock, I’m alright. Look, I’m right here. I’m right in front of you.” Jim tries to keep the urgency out of his voice but he’s never seen the Vulcan like this, can feel the bones beneath his skin all too easily. 

“I know that,” Spock says stubbornly, but his teeth are chattering, and Jim is going to kill him, if he doesn’t kill himself first. 

“Okay,” Jim says soothes him, “okay, you’re right, whatever you want, alright? Let’s just - Let’s just go to bed, yeah?” tugging at his wrist, desperate to get him under the covers of the hospital bed. 

“No,” Spock stands his ground even in this ragged state, “No, I wish - I wish to clear this misunderstanding between us - “ 

“It can wait,” Jim says firmly, “I’m tired Spock,” he looks at Spock with wide innocent eyes, “Please?” 

Spock regards him for a moment and then nods finally, allows himself to be led to Jim’s bed. Jim waits patiently for him to toe off his shoes, and then slips into bed, leaving room for Spock, who stares at the space for a moment, lost. 

“C’mon,” Jim mumbles, offering him a small smile, “You want to stay here, right?” _With me?_

“If you will have me,” Spock says immediately, but he still doesn’t move, sways a little on his feet. God, he looks drunk, “It was not my intent to upset you tonight,” he says finally, words slower and more imprecise than Jim has ever heard them, “It had been my expectation that surrounded by those you hold most dear, you would have experienced happiness, not discontent. I wish to apologize - “ 

“Spock - “ 

“It appears that despite the considerable time I have spent among your species, I still fail to comprehend their inner workings, and I wish to apologize for that shortcoming as well - “ 

“Enough,” Jim says firmly, cutting him off, “Spock, enough, okay? You’re doing fine. You _do_ make me happy, more than you can - _logically_ know. Alright? Now come to bed. I can barely keep my eyes open. Alright?” 

“Yes Captain,” Spock mumbles, finally sliding into bed besides Jim, “Do you desire - “ 

“Yes,” Jim says immediately, and then flushes, “That is, yes, I’d like you in my dreams. Please,” he adds, because this goes above and beyond any sort of First Officer’s duty to his Captain.

Spock merely nods against the pillow, closing his eyes and drawing their feet together. Instantly Jim is safe, chases Spock’s presence until he can feel every inch of it spread thin over him, wrapping him up tightly and keeping his thoughts safe.

—

When Jim wakes, he is alone. He pushes away the sinking feeling of disappointment immediately, but he can’t help the way he curls into the warm spot where Spock had lay. He indulges himself for a moment, before forcing his eyes open. 

Chekov is sitting in Spock’s chair. Watching him. 

Oh boy. 

“Tell me he’s gone home to get some actual rest?” Jim says, aiming for light-hearted. Chekov stares at him. 

“Commander Spock is meeting with Mr. Scott to go over a timeline of repairs for the Enterprise,” he says slowly, “Last week, he was debriefing with Admirals. The week before that he was getting in touch with family members of the fallen crew - “

“Chekov - “ Jim says hoarsely, to stem the thinly veiled accusations, “Pavel, I - “ 

“Are you certain that you’re going to get better?” Chekov asks him suddenly, leaning forward in the chair, “Are you absolutely sure you’re going to make a full recovery?” 

Jim nods. 

“Yeah,” he says softly, “Yeah, Chekov, I am.” 

“Then please, sir,” Chekov begs him, “Please talk to Commander Spock. He is - he has hardly eaten or slept since you - since you went under. He is _wasting away_ sir. Please take care of him.” 

Jim considers the man in front of him. Considers how much he’s grown since the Enterprise’s maiden voyage. He remembers like it was yesterday the way Chekov had determinedly apologized to Spock for not saving his mother, the way his eyes had filled with tears when Spock had quietly accepted his apology. They had become nearly inseparable on the Enterprise after that. Aside from Uhura, Chekov is probably Spock’s closest friend. 

Jim sighs. 

“I know, Chekov,” he says, wiping his face wearily with one hand and then moves to sit up, summoning his Captain voice, “Alright. Have you talked to him?”

“Yes,” Chekov says impatiently, “Leutenient Uhura and I have begged and pleaded with him but he is - he is _unreasonable_ , Captain - “ 

“Wait,” Jim frowns, “Chekov, wait. If he hasn’t listened to the two of you he damn well won’t listen to me - “ 

“But, you’re his best friend,” Chekov insists and Jim snorts. 

“And you and Uhura aren’t - ?” 

“Fine, then you’re his _captain_. He has to listen to you.” 

Jim rolls his eyes. 

“The day Spock listens to me without question is the day the sun freezes over,” he tells him skeptically, but Chekov is shaking his head. 

“Things are different now,” he whispers, “Please, sir. Try?” 

“I will,” Jim says softly, “Pavel I will, alright? But I’ll need your help - “ 

“I can do that,” Chekov says at once, smiling already, “I can do that.” 

—

“Captain,” Spock says to announce his presence, and Jim turns, halfway through tugging on a tee.

“Hey Spock,” he smiles at the other man, and it widens when the Vulcan smiles back.

“Nyota mentioned that you wanted to dine outside of this room today,” Spock says after a heartbeat, “But she was unsure whether or not you desired company.” 

“I desire your company,” Jim tells him, biting his lip and then smiling, “C’mon, I’ve got it all set up.” 

Impulsively his fingers wrap around Spock’s wrist, and he starts to feel the rush of contentment that passes through their skin. 

“Damn,” he mumbles, letting go reluctantly, and nudging past him and out of the room. Spock follows him down the hallway quietly, though Jim has a strong feeling that he’s embarrassed, “Have you figured out what’s up with our shields?” 

For a moment, Spock says nothing. Then - 

“I have a theory, Captain.” 

Jim glances at him curiously. 

“And - ?” 

“And - I would prefer not to divulge further information until I am certain.” 

“Oh, well. Alright then. Ah - here we are, “ he says, pushing open a door down the hall. He winces a little at the table set up for two. Nyota and Chekov volunteered to do it and it’s lovely - but the candles are probably a bit too much. 

“This is - pleasant,” Spock observes, glancing around the small room. 

Jim coughs embarrassedly. 

“Yeah, well,” he shrugs, “Bones still won’t let me out of this hospital until he’s run more tests on my immune system, but I got tired of eating every meal on a damn bed.” 

Spock nods, follows his lead when Jim takes a seat. 

Jim clears his throat. 

“I thought we’d have some Vulcan dishes, Bones said - “ 

“Ensign Chekov has spoken to you,” Spock cuts him off quietly. His face is expressionless, but Jim can see the way his fingers press into the table. 

“He was worried about you,” Jim attempts but Spock is not listening. 

“He had no right to burden you with this. You have enough to focus on as it is. You should be concentrating on bettering your _own_ health - “ 

“He came to me as your captain, Spock - “ 

“Well you hardly want to be my captain in the first place,” Spock snaps, and then he looks away, “I apologize, sir,” he murmurs. 

“Don’t,” Jim whispers, “Spock, _I_ was wrong the other night. It’s. You’re right. I couldn’t keep you safe if you were on another ship and I - don’t want us to be apart,” Spock looks up at him carefully, and Jim swallows, “And I’d be a fool not to have you as my first.” 

“You _are_ a fool sometimes,” Spock mutters, but his eyebrows look less serious and Jim is able to let out a breath. 

“Yeah,” he agrees, “I am.” 

“So,” Spock looks at him, “You will have me?” 

Jim grins a little. 

“On one condition,” he tells the Vulcan. Spock raises an eyebrow at him. “Eat that,” he commands, gesturing to the plate in front of him. 

Spock opens his mouth to say something, and then closes it again. 

“Yes Captain,” he mumbles, and leans in to take a bite.  

“Why’d you do it?” he asks softly, watching him carefully. Spock does not look at him. 

“Vulcans can survive days without food or water,” he parrots. Jim waves off his words impatiently. 

“Yeah, in extreme conditions out of necessity. This doesn’t qualify.” 

“Your death is pretty extreme,” Spock mutters. 

“Spock.” 

Spock lets out a rush of air, finally looks up at Jim. 

“I find myself distracted,” he confesses quietly. 

“By Khan,” Jim supplies. Spock nods. “And the Enterprise.” 

“Yes,” Spock agrees. 

“And my health.” 

Spock says nothing. 

“But those things have passed. Khan has been put to rest. Repairs on the Enterprise are underway. And Bones says I’ll make a full recovery.” 

After a moment, Spock gives him a sharp nod.

“Tell me,” Jim pleads quietly. He _knows_ Spock is hiding something, as sure as he knows his own thoughts. 

Spock averts his eyes. 

“The series of events that have taken place this past month have served to disrupt the emotional balance I have been cultivating my entire life,” he says neutrally. “In an effort to bring order to the chaos that is my current mental landscape I have neglected my physical well being. I will endeavor to correct this to your satisfaction - “ 

“Good - “ 

“As long as it does not affect your care,” Spock finishes. Jim rolls his eyes gently.

“Spock,” he implores, “We’re a _team_. We always do better working together - _you_ told me that yesterday.” Spock looks up at him, “Let’s help each other, OK? Let’s let our family help us.” 

“You refer to your bridge crew,” Spock clarifies. 

“ _Our_ bridge crew,” Jim corrects him, “Think they’re honestly more worried about you than me,” he tells Spock earnestly. “Just - “ Jim says hastily, before Spock can logic his way out of this, “finish your dinner. Get a good night’s rest. And then we’ll take it from there. One day at a time.” 

Spock regards him thoughtfully. 

“I accept,” Spock says after a moment. In response to Jim’s encouraging smile, he takes several more sips of his soup, “I do not think I should continue eating else I make myself sick.” 

Jim nods at him. 

“C’mon then. Let’s get you to bed. Do you want to spend the night here or - ?“ Jim trails off uncertainly.

“Yes,” Spock says simply, “I would very much like that.” 

“OK, fine,” Jim says, unable to keep the happiness from his voice, “But you have to actually sleep tonight, alright? No staying awake to keep my bad dreams away.” 

Spock considers this request with a tilt of his head. 

“Very well, Captain,” he murmurs finally. 

—

Jim opens his eyes to find himself in a desert of red sand. The sun is hot against his skin but does not burn, and the sand between his toes is rough but does not irritate. It is quiet except for the caress of the wind and at first Jim thinks he’s alone. And then he notices the lone figure laying out in the sand about 20 feet away, leaning his weight against his palms behind his back and tilting his face up to the sun. Jim makes his way towards him. 

“Hello, Captain,” Spock says without opening his eyes. Jim hesitates a moment before sitting down next to the Vulcan and mimicking his pose. 

“Are we on Vulcan,” Jim asks in a hushed voice, not wanting to disturb his peace.

“My own version of it,” Spock answers, and his voice contains an element that Jim does not recognize. He wonders if it is grief. 

“A memory?” 

“‘Landscape’ might be a more accurate descriptor,” Spock muses, “This is not a part of the planet I have ever visited but nevertheless, it serves to anchor me. I find the imagery soothing.” 

Jim hums, studying the man’s profile freely and indulgently. In this world he appears healthier but there’s still a part of him that Jim finds fragile.

“Nothing can happen to either of us here,” Spock says, as though he’s read Jim’s mind. With a start, Jim realizes that he has. The corner of Spock’s mouth turns up. 

“I’m sorry,” Jim says finally. At this Spock does turn to look at him, brow creased in a frown. 

“Why?” he asks softly. 

“I don’t know how I got here,” Jim admits apologetically, “I didn’t mean to intrude.” 

“You could not possibly intrude here,” Spock rebukes him gently, “when, in fact, I have built this place for you.” 

Jim’s eyes widen. 

“ _What?_ ” 

Spock’s eyes drop to the space between them. 

“You asked me why our shields have been ineffective of late.” 

Jim nods. 

“You said you had a theory.” 

“My theory has been confirmed,” Spock says, his voice nothing more than a whisper, “Captain, I - “ 

“Jim,” interrupts Jim firmly, “Please.” He looks up at Spock with wide eyes. 

“J - Jim,” Spock says after a moment, as if trying out the name on his tongue. Jim swallows hard. “I seek the presence of your mind,” he confesses in a rush. And Jim suddenly recognizes the unknown quality in his voice. It’s _strain_ , “That is - I seek a bond with you.” At Jim’s sharp intake of breath, Spock looks up at him. “My unconscious mind reaches for you without my permission. Thus, I have not been able to reestablish my mental shields. My mind does not want to rebuild without your presence. I have been trying to maintain control but I - I have failed. In sleep I have called out to you and you have come. That is why you are here.” 

“Let me feel,” Jim demands. 

“Jim - “ 

“I can hear the effort you’re taking to keep your emotions from me. You’re in pain, Spock,” Spock shuts his eyes against his words, “Please. Let me in.” 

And then suddenly he is surrounded by emotions - protectiveness and strength and promise and above all - a love that leaves Jim gasping for breath. It is overwhelming and beautiful and Jim has never felt anything like it before, has never felt more safe, more loved, more secure in the knowledge that _this_ is where he belongs. 

“Why didn’t you tell me,” he breathes out, pressing his hands deep into the sand around him so that he can resist the urge to pull Spock towards him. 

“I have never felt anything like this before,” Spock answers simply. The strain in his voice has vanished. “I was not sure what to say.” 

Jim feels the beginnings of a smile spread slowly across his face. 

“Really?” he asks quietly, unable to believe it.

“You are thy’la,” Spock tells him with quiet assuredness, “You are everything.“ 

And with that, Jim can’t help himself anymore, he reaches for Spock, reaches for the quiet heat of his skin and the comfort of his strength and suddenly - they are back in bed again. 

They have twined together in their sleep, foreheads pressed together, Jim’s hand pressing hard into the curve of Spock’s hipbone. 

“Spock?” he murmurs, concerned. Spock’s eyes are shut tight. He’s shaking. 

“J - Jim - we must - “ 

“Do it,” Jim tells him, feeling Spock’s hand clench and unclench near his meld points, “C’mon Spock - “ 

Spock shudders at his words, and answering arousal courses through Jim. He presses closer helplessly. 

Spock moans, desperate. 

“No - you do not know - we cannot - “ 

“ _Spock_ ,” Jim presses kisses to his eyelids, his cheekbones, the corners of his mouth. Spock shivers. “I love you. God I - I love you so fucking much. You know that.” 

“No - “ insists Spock, though his voice has gone weak, “this is - permanent, Jim. Y - you have a right to - “ 

Jim covers Spock’s hand with his own. Spock’s eyes shoot open, bright with desire. He whimpers.

“I’m yours, Spock. What I feel for you is permanent,” Jim tells him without hesitation, “What I promise to you is permanence,”  and then Spock’s fingers are sliding to his meld points and their connection is blown wide open. It is like a bridge is being built between them, red and yellow cords wrapped tightly around greens and blues and browns. 

_The color of your eyes_ Spock tells him, but the voice resonates in his mind, brightening cords of orange affection along the way. Jim smiles and he can see it reflect in the colors that stretch between them both. 

_I love you_ comes out in a deep shade of green. _Spock, I love you._ He feels Spock’s answer like a cradle against his consciousness, holding him tight, wrapping him up and pressing in close. _I never want to leave_ he says, and he knows he sounds awestruck just as he knows Spock is amused by his words. 

_You never have to._

He begins to retreat and Jim panics and holds fast to his energy. 

_Wait_. 

_Trust me, Ashaya_. 

Jim loosens his hold on Spock reluctantly, and he feels Spock’s fingers slip off his meld points. 

Jim opens his eyes to see that Spock is watching him affectionately. 

“I miss you already,” Jim confesses, feeling silly. Spock smiles and instantly Jim is flooded with warmth. “Wait, that’s - that’s _you_.” 

“My mind to your mind,” Spock agrees quietly. “Always.” 

Jim caresses his face gently, fingers tracing his ear and the curve of his jaw, soaking in the desire that ripples subtley through Spock’s features and their connection. 

“Am I in here?” he asks, running fingers over Spock’s temporal bone and through the thin strands of hair that rest there. 

Spock nods, closes his eyes. 

“What do I feel like?” Jim asks, running his thumb over Spock’s lower lip gently. Desire pulses stronger between them. 

“You feel - “ Spock’s voice is choked and it sends a thrill through Jim, “You feel bright and happy and - and _safe_.” 

There’s a new emotion now that Jim feels and it takes a minute for him to realize that it’s not his own and a minute more to identify the feeling.

“You’re afraid,” Jim observes quietly, “Do you regret your choice?” 

“ _No_ ,” Spock says vehemently, and it floods through Jim almost violently, leaving him aching, “On the contrary, now that I have you I know cannot live without you. My fear stems from anticipation of a circumstance where I would have to learn how.” 

Jim shakes his head, fond. 

“Guess we’ll have to keep saving each other’s asses till we’re a hundred years old,” he says with a soft smile. Spock arches an eyebrow. 

“I do not think I could share you with the Enterprise for quite that long,” he says drily. Jim’s smile widens. “I do have one regret,” he continues in a more somber voice, “I imposed this decision on you without allowing you appropriate time to consider the consequences of our actions. My choice was made for me. Our bond is destined, written. You are thy’la. But you are not Vulcan and it is unfair of me to expect you to adhere to our customs.” 

Jim considers him for a moment. 

“Can I kiss you?” he asks softly. Spock looks surprised. He nods though, so Jim tilts into him carefully, pulling at his chin to press their lips together the way he wants. The bond flares between them once more, surprise and contentment overflowing. Jim sighs happily, licks deeper into his mouth and wraps arms around Spock’s neck. 

Spock nips gently at Jim’s lower lip and the bite turns Jim’s blood hot. He hips jerk forward into Spock’s thigh and he’s pleasantly surprised to feel Spock groan against his lips. 

“Jim, we can - “ Spock’s breath is ragged. 

But Jim shakes his head, gentling the pace of their kisses until he can find it in himself to pull away slightly.

“No, I told you I wouldn’t make a move until at least our third date,” he says as lightly as he can manage. Spock raises an eyebrow at him. 

“Based on my understanding of the Terran concept of ‘dating’, I estimate we have had over a hundred dates,” he informs Jim. Jim laughs. 

“Still,” he says stubbornly. He brushes Spock’s sweaty hair of his forehead, letting affection seep through his touch. “You know, I never thought I would ever have you,” he muses. Spock is watching him carefully. “I had pretty much resigned myself to watching you and Uhura grow old together. I was bracing myself to go to your wedding and love your kids and - and I could have, you know? I could have been the best man at your wedding and an uncle to your kids if that’s what you wanted because Spock, I love you so much. Even if that’s the way our story went, I would have continued to love you until the day I died.” He closes his eyes when Spock places a gentle kiss to his forehead. “So please don’t have any regrets. I know I don’t.” 

—

Spock is dreaming. Jim can see a flicker of images if he closes his eyes and concentrates hard. They’re disjointed, but Jim can just make out a picture of them on the bridge, their hands intertwined, their smiles soft as they regard the horizon before them. And Jim realizes with a start, that this is the first time really that he’s been able to watch Spock sleep. Spock, who’s face is burrowed in Jim’s neck contentedly, his arm thrown over Jim’s possessively, who _wants_ Jim, who’s _bonded_ with Jim, who’s - 

“Attempting to sleep,” Spock mutters against his neck but he sounds amused and sated. Jim chuckles. 

“You could hear me just then?” he asks curiously. Spock nods. His eyes remain shut. “How come I can’t really hear you?” 

Spock hums. 

“You are unused to being bonded while I have shared familial bonds with both my parents for the majority of my life. It will come with practice. I will teach you.” 

“You’ll have to be patient with me - “ 

Spock snorts against Jim’s neck. 

“I am aware,” he intones drily, but Jim can feel fondness stretch between them. He sighs happily, turning his face into Spock to kiss his forehead. 

“We should get up if we want to avoid Bones’s jokes.” Jim cautions, “He’ll be here any second now.” Spock lifts himself up, considering. 

“I find that my desire to remain here outweighs my desire to avoid Leonard’s misguided attempts at humor. I will remain.” And then he flops right back down again. 

Jim bursts out laughing, curling up around his lover and basking in Spock’s smug smile. 

“I do enjoy making you laugh,” Spock murmurs. _I have quite missed the sound._

—

When Bones and Uhura walk in on them half an hour later, they have, in fact, gotten up. They’re playing chess, the board spread out between them on the bed, Jim leaning on Spock contentedly and making him move both of their pieces. 

“So I’m guessing dinner went well, then?” Uhura asks innocently. She’s smiling at them, but Jim immediately feels guilty, flinching away from Spock instinctively. Spock shoots confusion through the bond, but before he can say anything out loud, Bones interrupts. 

“Spock, Scotty needs you for a second about Enterprise stuff.” 

Spock nods immediately, shifting off the bed carefully to avoid upsetting their game, and tugging on his uniform jacket over the black pants and black shirt he’s wearing. 

“I shall return promptly, Captain,” Spock nods at him. “Leonard,” he nods at the man in dismissal but Bones follows him out. 

“I wanted to talk to you about - “ Their voices disappear down the hallway and then only Uhura and Jim are left. 

To Jim’s surprise, her smile widens, and she moves to join Jim on the bed. 

“When Spock and I first started dating,” she begins, and there is no tremble in her voice, no sadness, “he informed me that he cared for me very deeply, as a young woman and as an intellectual.” She looks up and her eyes are sparkling with amusement and Jim feels himself begin to smile. 

“Sounds like Spock,” he says. 

“He also told me about t’hy’la,” she says, and her voice is serious now, “He told me that though he cared about me deeply, if he ever found the person that he was destined to bond with, he would have no choice but to leave me. He asked me, then, if I still wanted to date,” she pauses, eyes searching Jim’s, and there is sadness in her voice, now. “I’ve known for a long time how you feel about Spock, but I never said anything because I felt too guilty, parading our relationship around in your face. I don’t want you to feel the same way. I’m happy it’s you, Jim. I want to watch you two find happiness together.” 

“Are you sure?” Jim asks in a hoarse voice. Uhura nods, cupping his face gently. 

“Yes,” she says simply. 

“So it’s official then?” Bones asks, leaning against the doorway. He’s smiling a shit-eating grin. Jim and Uhura turn to look at him. 

“It’s official,” Uhura confirms, looking back to smile her blessing at Jim. 

“So you know what this means,” Bones says slowly, eyes full of mischief. 

“Bones, no - “ 

Bones ignores him, obviously. 

“I was right,” he proclaims, thoroughly triumphant. “I was right about you and Spock and you were _wrong_. Your life is _exactly_ like a romantic comedy - I _knew_ it.” 

“Oh my god,” Jim groans, eyes to the ceiling. But he can’t keep the smile off his face for long, grinning as Uhura and Bones laugh at him. 

_I love you_ he sends through their bond, wondering if it’ll reach Spock from this far away. 

_And I, you, Ashaya_ Spock sends back, warmth flooding through him. _And I will never be too far away._


End file.
